Empowerment. Engagement. Authenticity.
Parodies - Austen Powers: Lydia's True Colours
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a
single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Elizabeth did a perfect imitation of her mother’s stalwart voice and
giggled. “Mother’s probably already hit accept on the event invitation
to the Netherfield Charity Auction, hoping to have us all married off by
tomorrow.”
She and every desperate mother out there,” Lydia scoffed. “Following
nineteenth century advice for twenty-first century debauchery. Isn’t
spending the night with the highest bidding stranger called
prostitution?”
“These men are from the upper echelons – scholars, scientists, business
tycoons,” Elizabeth insisted. “They can’t just sign up for any ordinary
dating service. And they’re paying for our company, not sex.”
“Doesn’t mean they don’t have their perversions. Didn’t they say
Netherfield Hall still has underground dungeons? Bet that’s where buyers
test out their purchases.”
Oh, Lydie,” Elizabeth sighed. “Don’t you ever get tired of one night
hookups? Dream of someone tall, rich and handsome giving you a life of
wealth and privilege?”
“I can’t think of a more boring existence than being tied to one man.” A
wicked light came into Lydia’s eyes. “Now being tied up by a man…” Her
lewd smile puckered into a pout. “Really hope Wickham will cock his
rifle in my direction when he’s stationed here next. Didn’t have time to
put more than a hand up my skirt when I sneaked out to meet him at the
pub last night.”
“And you wonder why Mother says no decent man will ever have you.”
Elizabeth feigned offense but a secret part of her wished she had her
sister’s confidence and sense of adventure. “Aren’t you afraid of a
scandal?”
“Scandal will be my fifteen minutes of fame, sis! How is your Mr. Darcy
these days, by the way? Still holding out on you because our parents are
from the wrong side of the tracks?”
Although Elizabeth’s face flooded with mortified colour, she stood her
ground. “His latest letter is full of apology. He even mentioned that
he’ll make things right between Jane and Bingley. Bingley’s perfect for
Jane, don’t you think?”
“Don’t change the subject,” Lydia wagged a finger. “You know damn well
Darcy hasn’t changed his opinion about our family. He just knows
offending you means he won’t get past your petticoats.”
“Oh, here comes Jane!” Elizabeth chirped, anxious to cease the talk of
Darcy. “And she’s got a letter in her hand and the brightest smile on
her face. Janie, oh my, you must have good news!”
Their older sister, Jane, undoubtedly the beauty of the three in
Elizabeth’s opinion, twirled towards them on the garden path. “Bingley
and I are to be married!” she sang out.
(c) Kristy Kassie, 2017
Parodies
A new twist on an old classic.
